Privacy Policy

1. Information We Collect (The Intake)

When you use turd.ai, we collect certain information to provide and improve our services. Think of it as the ingestion phase of your data lifecycle.

Personal Information: Name, email, billing address, and payment details. We collect this when you sign up, subscribe, or contact us. We promise we handle it better than a gas station bathroom.

Usage Data: How you interact with our platform -- pages visited, features used, dumps created, pipelines configured, ShatGPT queries, and Brown Eye View sessions. This helps us understand what's flowing and what's blocked.

Device Information: Browser type, operating system, IP address, and device identifiers. Standard stuff. We're not looking through your webcam. The "Brown Eye View" is strictly a dashboard feature.

Dookie Data: Data stored within your turd.ai account, including dumps, pipeline configurations, and analysis results. This is YOUR data. We just hold it for you -- like a very sophisticated toilet.

2. How We Use Your Information (The Processing)

Your data goes through our processing pipeline for the following purposes:

- Providing, maintaining, and improving turd.ai services - Processing transactions and sending transaction notifications - Sending service-related announcements (outages, blockages, maintenance windows) - Responding to support requests (average response time: faster than a courtesy flush) - Analyzing usage patterns to improve platform performance - Detecting, preventing, and addressing technical issues and security threats - Training and improving our ShatGPT models (anonymized and aggregated only -- we're not animals) - Sending marketing communications (only if you opted in; we respect the "do not push" policy)

3. Data Sharing (The Output)

We do not sell your personal information. Period. We're in the business of processing data, not selling it to the highest bidder like some kind of... data broker.

We may share information with:

Service Providers: Third parties that help us operate (hosting, payment processing, analytics). They're bound by contracts tighter than a new roll of toilet paper.

Legal Requirements: If required by law, subpoena, or other legal process. We'll notify you unless legally prohibited (a legal gag order, if you will).

Business Transfers: In connection with a merger, acquisition, or sale of assets. If turd.ai gets acquired, your data goes with the throne.

With Your Consent: When you explicitly ask us to share data with third-party integrations, we'll facilitate the connection.

4. Data Security (The Flush Guard)

We implement industry-standard security measures to protect your data:

- AES-256 encryption at rest (your data sleeps in a vault) - TLS 1.3 encryption in transit (your data travels in an armored truck) - SOC 2 Type II compliance (audited annually by Deloitte & Douche) - Regular penetration testing (not as fun as it sounds) - 24/7 monitoring via our Brown Eye View security dashboard - Multi-factor authentication for all accounts - Role-based access controls with audit logging

No security system is 100% impenetrable. But ours is about as tight as it gets. We treat your data like we treat our morning constitution -- with the utmost seriousness and regularity.

5. Data Retention (The Holding Tank)

We retain your personal information for as long as your account is active or as needed to provide services. When you delete your account, we initiate the flushing process:

- Account data: Deleted within 30 days of account closure - Usage logs: Anonymized after 90 days, deleted after 1 year - Billing records: Retained for 7 years (tax compliance -- blame the IRS, not us) - Dump data: Deleted within 48 hours of account closure - ShatGPT conversation history: Purged within 30 days - Backup copies: Fully flushed within 90 days

You can request early deletion by emailing flush@turd.ai. We process all requests within 30 calendar days, or 21 business days, whichever comes first.

6. Your Rights (The Wipe Clean Clause)

Depending on your jurisdiction, you have the following rights:

Right to Access: Request a copy of all personal data we hold about you. Right to Rectification: Correct any inaccurate data we have. Right to Deletion: Request that we flush all your data (the "Right to be Forgotten" -- or as we call it, the "Courtesy Flush"). Right to Portability: Export your data in a machine-readable format. Right to Object: Opt out of certain data processing activities. Right to Restrict: Limit how we use your data.

To exercise any of these rights, contact privacy@turd.ai. We respond within 30 days. Faster if you say "please."

7. Children's Privacy (The Lil' Nuggets Clause)

turd.ai is not directed at children under 13. We do not knowingly collect personal information from anyone under 13. If we discover we've accidentally collected data from a minor, we will flush it immediately and with extreme prejudice.

If you're a parent and believe your child has provided us with personal information, contact us at privacy@turd.ai and we'll handle it faster than you can say "accident."

8. International Data Transfers (The Long Haul)

turd.ai operates globally. Your data may be transferred to and processed in countries other than your own, including the United States. We ensure appropriate safeguards:

- EU Standard Contractual Clauses for EEA transfers - UK International Data Transfer Agreement for UK transfers - APEC Cross-Border Privacy Rules certification - Swiss-U.S. Data Privacy Framework participation

Basically, your data is treated with the same care regardless of which toilet it ends up in.

9. Changes to This Policy (The Wipe and Rewrite)

We may update this Privacy Policy from time to time. When we do, we'll:

- Post the updated policy on this page - Update the "Last Updated" date - Send an email notification for material changes - Add a banner to the platform for 30 days

Continued use of turd.ai after changes constitutes acceptance. If you disagree with changes, you may close your account and request data deletion.

10. Contact Us (The Hotline)

Questions, concerns, or complaints about this Privacy Policy? Reach out:

Email: privacy@turd.ai Mail: turd.ai Inc., 123 Flush Avenue, Suite 200, Porcelain City, CA 90210 Phone: (555) 123-4567 DPO: Dr. Priya Vacy, Chief Privacy Officer (yes, that's her real name)

For EU residents: You have the right to lodge a complaint with your local Data Protection Authority. But we'd appreciate a chance to resolve it first. We're good people. Crappy humor, but good people.