The Movement
A manifesto for the data-constipated world.
Every revolution starts with discomfort. Ours started with a particularly bad database migration at 2 AM. This is the story of why we built turd.ai -- and why the world needs it.
The Problem
Every enterprise on Earth is drowning in data. Pipelines are backed up. Warehouses are overflowing. And nobody -- NOBODY -- wants to deal with it. The industry calls it 'data management.' We call it what it is: a mess.
The Denial
For decades, companies have pretended their data infrastructure doesn't stink. They've layered tool on top of tool, creating a Frankenstein's monster of ETL pipelines held together by duct tape and prayers. The system is clogged. Everyone knows it. Nobody says it.
The Reckoning
turd.ai isn't here to polish the porcelain. We're here to rip out the pipes, flush the legacy systems, and build something that actually flows. Our AI doesn't just process data -- it digests it, breaks it down, and outputs something clean.
The Movement
This isn't a product launch. It's a movement. A bowel movement, yes, but also a paradigm shift in how the world handles data. We believe every byte deserves proper processing. Every pipeline deserves AI-powered flow optimization. Every company deserves relief.
The Promise
We will not stop until every data pipeline on Earth runs smoothly. Until no engineer has to wake up at 3 AM to unclog a production database. Until the words 'data backup' only mean what they're supposed to mean. Join the movement. It's time to let go.
2.4 PB
Data Processed Daily
14M
Pipelines Unclogged
99.97%
Uptime (Bowel Regularity)
4,200+
Companies Relieved
The Roadmap
Where we've been, where we're going, and what we're eating for fiber along the way.
Phase 1: The Warm-Up
CompleteCore ShatGPT model trained on 12 trillion tokens of pipeline data. Initial product-market fit confirmed. First 100 customers acquired through sheer force of puns.
Phase 2: The Main Event
In ProgressEnterprise rollout across Fortune 500. Colon-ial Pipeline infrastructure deployed globally. PU 2026 conference announced. International expansion to 69 countries.
Phase 3: The Grand Finale
Coming 2027Full autonomous data processing. Zero-intervention pipeline management. The world will never need to think about data plumbing again. We handle the dirty work. Forever.
"The measure of a great company isn't how much data it collects. It's how gracefully it lets it go."
-- Rick O'Shea, CEO & Co-Flounder
Ready to join the movement?
It's going to be a smooth ride.