Anal-yzing
Intelligence
AI built for the #2 problem nobody else will touch. We handle the dirty data so you can make clean decisions.
No credit card required. 14-day free flush.
Features
Everything you need to get your sh*t together.
From ingestion to output, our full-stack AI platform handles the entire movement. No mess. No stress.
Data Dump Management
We don't dump your data, we data your dump. Experience our cutting-edge Forma-turd technology that processes your most... complex outputs.
ShatGPT Processing
Our AI works from the backend to ensure smooth data flow. Powered by our proprietary Large Language Bowel (LLB) model. Full steamer ahead.
Rectify Your Data
Streamline your pipeline with our proprietary T.U.R.D. AI -- Totally Unwanted Remnants of Digestion. It cleans up what others leave behind.
Brown Eye View Tech
See your data in ways you've never seen before. Our rear-view analytics give you a behind-the-scenes look at what really matters.
Colon-ial Pipeline
Our end-to-end data pipeline handles the dirty work so you don't have to. Seamless ingestion, smooth processing, clean output. Every time.
Stool Sampling
Advanced data sampling that doesn't cut corners. We analyze every specimen with military-grade precision. Your logs are in safe hands.
The Model
Our Sh*t Model.
Five layers of proprietary AI working in perfect harmony. From raw input to clean output -- this is the pipeline that processes the world's #2 problem.
Ingestion Layer
INPUTRaw data enters the system. We accept any format -- CSV, JSON, XML, or just pure unstructured crap. Our intake valve handles it all.
The Bowel Engine
PROCESSOur proprietary LLB (Large Language Bowel) breaks down complex data into digestible chunks. This is where the magic -- and the movement -- happens.
Forma-turd Compression
OPTIMIZEData gets compressed, deduplicated, and enriched. We squeeze every ounce of value out before it moves downstream. 42% cost reduction guaranteed.
The Pipeline
TRANSITOur Colon-ial Pipeline moves processed data at 4.2 billion dumps per day across 69 countries. Smooth, uninterrupted flow. Zero blockages.
Clean Output
OUTPUTWhat comes out the other end is pure, structured, actionable intelligence. Dashboard-ready. API-ready. Board-meeting-ready.
How It Works
Three steps to relief.
Ingest Your Data
Feed our system whatever you've got. Our AI doesn't judge -- it just processes. The bigger the load, the better we perform.
The Backend Does Its Thing
ShatGPT goes to work in the backend, breaking down your data into digestible chunks. Our Colon-ial Pipeline ensures smooth throughput.
Clean Output, Every Time
What comes out the other end is pure, processed intelligence. Polished logs, crystal-clear analytics, and zero residue.
PU 2026
Poo University -- The Annual Conference
The premier gathering for data movement professionals. Three days of keynotes, hands-on labs, and networking events that'll change the way you think about your pipeline. Think AU, but way more... productive.
Testimonials
What our shat-isfied users say.
"turd.ai completely unclogged our pipeline. We went from constipated data flows to 150% throughput overnight. Our engineers can finally breathe."
John Pooper
CTO, Flush Industries
"We tried every solution on the market. Nothing moved. Then turd.ai came along and suddenly everything was flowing. Our investors literally applauded."
Amanda Rears
VP Data, LogJam Corp
"ShatGPT saved us 200 engineering hours a month. Our backend has never been smoother. Dropped our legacy system the same week. 10/10 would dump again."
Chris P. Bacon
CEO, Bottom Line Analytics
"Honestly? I thought it was a load of crap. Turns out it IS a load of crap, and it works brilliantly. Best investment we've made since toilet paper."
Dee Composte
Head of Ops, Waste Not Inc
"The Colon-ial Pipeline feature alone was worth the subscription. Our data moves end-to-end with zero blockages. Pure, uninterrupted flow."
Stan Kworth
Lead Architect, Sewer Systems Co
"Replaced three vendors with one turd. The Brown Eye View dashboard gives us visibility we've never had. My board thinks I'm a genius."
Flo Terlet
COO, Porcelain Throne Ltd
Pricing
Plans for every bowel budget.
Start free. Scale when the pressure builds. Cancel anytime -- no hard feelings, no hard stools.
Lil' Nugget
For casual dumpers. Get your feet wet.
- 1,000 data dumps/month
- Basic ShatGPT access
- Community support (a.k.a. the stall wall)
- Single-ply analytics
The Full Load
For serious operations. No more holding it in.
- Unlimited data dumps
- ShatGPT Pro with priority processing
- Brown Eye View dashboard
- Triple-ply analytics
- Colon-ial Pipeline access
- Priority flush support
Enterprise Evacuation
For when sh*t hits the fan at scale.
- Everything in Full Load
- Custom T.U.R.D. AI training
- Dedicated stall (private infra)
- 24/7 emergency plumber support
- SLA-backed uptime (99.99%)
- White-glove onboarding
Ready to enter the Brown Zone?
Join thousands of shat-isfied customers who've already experienced the sweet relief of turd.ai. Our solution is so good, you'll wonder how you ever managed without it.
Yes, we do-do that.
14-day money-back guarantee. No strings attached. No splash zone.